Thursday, April 15, 2010

April, Zazen

Ostrich Roses
Ostrich Roses, Dresden, 2010

I tend not to deal very well with April. I can totally relate to T.S. Eliot and those lilacs breeding out of the dead land, although I'm more like
April is the cruelest month, breeding
dog turds out of dead snowbanks, grinding
diamond grit from asphalt, wounding
dull minds with barbed sunlight.
Something like that. Plus, it feels long as a famine year. We're only halfway through today, and it feels like it's been going on since January, at least.

I've tolerated this one a bit better than most, though. The excellent trip to Germany is a part of the reason, I'm sure. Zazen helps too. It's not being a lot of fun, and one thing that's happened is that my sitting practice has gone totally stale. I hate it. It's boring, I can't seem to be able to concentrate, and I just count the minutes until the half-hour (or twenty-five minutes, or whatever) is up.

But if I skip it, it sucks even harder. I guess that means I've devolved from... whatever, to bompu Zen, just sitting in order to drag my sorry ass through another day.

Zazenkai is coming up on Sunday. I'm dreading it a little. All of a sudden, seven hours of practice seems awfully long, although I just survived 48 hours last month. I've always felt better afterward, though, even when I kinda hated sitting through it, so I'll be going if I don't catch the cold Joanna's been having, or something.

Only another two weeks and a bit, and it's May.

1 comment:

  1. That shot of the buried rose canes is very evocative, Petteri. I can feel them sharing your desire to just spring up and continue with the business of living and blooming -let's just get on with it already(!) But it's all process, and without it, without the protective and muting covering, the plants would most likely be set back hard or even die. I think the hardest part about spring inching in after one has spent months hunched(figuratively) before the cave fire for a long, frugal winter, is stretching back to the shape one had before.
    Best of luck for this weekend. Maybe a more structured atmosphere will help your practice.